Would you like to get a new perspective on why the empty-nest stage is so difficult? So that you can stop blaming yourself for feeling lost, empty, confused and sad?

I'm Noel!

I'm a Marriage & Family Therapist, Art therapist, and Life Coach. I am passionate about personal growth and helping people achieve their dream life!

hey there

Listen carefully because this is pure gold!

Grab a pen and a notebook and start taking notes!

According to the master of human development, Tony Robbins, regardless of who you are or where in the world you might be, the force driving and shaping all of your emotions and actions are the 6 basic human needs!

These primal needs, that Tony Robbins describes so well, have been encoded into our nervous system during centuries.

He further says “these 6 human needs are the fundamental drives within each of us, the ones that compel us forward in a quest to experience a life of meaning. There is no conscious effort involved because our will to satisfy these primal needs is automatic.”

He divides the human needs into two categories:

The Primal Human Needs are Certainty, Variety, Significance and Love & Connection.

We all need to feel safe and make sure that our basic necessities like food and shelter are secured. And those who can’t control their physical circumstances, they may seek certainty through a state of mind or through their faith (Certainty).

But as much as we need certainty, we also need changes to feel alive and excited and to avoid getting bored. We need to exercise our emotions, seek new stimuli, we need to experience and see different things (Variety).

Everybody also needs to feel important, special, like they matter. We will look for recognition from others and from ourselves (Significance). While some look for significance in positive ways, others do it in negative ways.

And last but not least, we have a strong need to belong! We all need to feel connected and loved by a person or a group, to feel connected to a habit, a set of values or an identity (Love & Connection).

The two Spiritual Human Needs are Growth and Contribution.

If you look at nature, everything is either growing or dying. We all need to feel we are growing. It doesn’t matter how accomplished or successful you are, the minute you stop progressing you loose your joy (Growth).

We all have a deep need to go beyond ourselves and there is no bigger joy than doing something for the greater good. It is through Contribution that we experience the greatest joy and fulfillment!

So, you might be asking yourself, what does this have to do with the empty-nest stage?

Now, let’s consider how many of these 6 human needs were fulfilled by your role as a parent since you became one and start writing it all down!

I can’t talk for you, but when I learned about these basic human needs, I finally understood why motherhood had been the most fulfilling thing I had ever experienced!

Beginning with Certainty, even though my children couldn’t support or take care of me, my need for certainty made me have a bullet proof mindset. I found certainty in God and my faith and I never let go because giving my girls a safe home and life was my main priority!

Talking about Variety, Francesca and Sol put me in a position to have to adjust to constant changes. As they grew up and matured, they brought friends and later boyfriends home, I drove them to their violin lessons, soccer and volleyball practices. There was never a boring or uneventful day with the girls living at home!

OMG, talking about Significance… I don’t know if this happened to you, but I never felt more important and needed in my entire life. Being Sol’s and Francesca’s mom made me feel that I really mattered, that I was irreplaceable. And I totally loved that feeling!

And what can I say about Love & Connection? I never felt so loved and I never loved so fiercely. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my girls. And the sense of finally and totally belonging to a group? That was totally priceless!

Wait, do you see what’s happening here?

I already found that 4 out of my 6 basic needs were fulfilled by my role as a full time mom!

How about you? Do you feel the same way? How many check marks do you have next to your primal human needs?

Let’s now look at the 2 spiritual needs!

What can I say about Growth? Have you ever been more challenged in your entire life? Didn’t your children push you to grow and learn and adjust and pivot all the time? I truly believe our children are our best teachers, they do it by mirroring our behavior, by testing our patience and daring us to look at life from their own young and fresh perspective.

And finally, Contribution. Didn’t you try to become a better version of yourself since your children were born, so that you could be the best role model ever? I couldn’t teach my girls to be generous and kind without me being a good example of it. They were always watching me! I truly believe that raising, kind, caring, generous children, that will be a force for good in the world, is the best contribution we could ever make. My spiritual teacher, who was considered for a Nobel Prize, said once to me: “My daughter is my Nobel Prize.”

So , did anybody else check all 6 boxes?

Being a mom to Francesca and Sol helped me fulfill 6 out of 6 human needs! No wonder I went through a huge crisis when they left the nest. All of a sudden, I had plenty of human needs that weren’t being met. I was paralyzed, frozen with fear, unsure of how to move forward, feeling completely unfulfilled and without a sense of purpose!

But once I understood that I I had these 6 needs and I couldn’t keep on meeting them through my girls, I started looking for new ways to serve, to grow, to experience variety, to experience love & Connection, significance and certainty, and everything changed!

I encourage you to look at the 6 human needs, to find new ways to meet them and to give yourself a break! Stop blaming yourself, you’re not alone! And remember, if you were able to find fulfillment through your children, you will be able to find it again!

The world is full of people that want to connect with you, just go out there and find them! You matter more than you will ever know…

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